Friday, September 28, 2012

Russell Brand Playing Jesus Again. YAWN.

Good Samaritan: He wore the quirky get-up to take a group of local homeless people out for breakfast at the Newsroom Cafe on Thursday morning

Russ dressed down so that the homeless people wouldn't feel bad. Actually, the homeless peeps look better than Russell.

His Jeez-ness makes my fat uncharitable ass feel guilty. I think I'll force the grouchy homeless guy down the street to go to breakfast with me tomorrow.

SB Hit the Kroger this Morning for Some Joe and Got Waved at by a Retarded Guy. It was GREAT.

Joe means coffee, for you dumb young fucks, who have never heard the term before. Anyway, as I was walking in the entrance of the store, there was a group of retarded young adults (okay, I should be politically correct and say "mentally-challenged" adults or some shit, but fuck you, it's my blog, so I'll say whatever the hell I want). Anyway, one of the adults--a young somewhat twisted up looking black male--shouted a REALLY EMPHATIC good morning at me. For some damn reason, it made my whole morning nicer. I guess Bret Easton Ellis's snotty ass would say I am just another sentimental mid-westerner, but on the other hand, this sentimental mid-westerner would tell that pretentious two-surnamed fuck, Easton Ellis, to blow it out his ass.

But thank you retarded guy for waving! See how much cheerier I am?

Shit SB Says

It’s a waste of time and energy trying to convert the stupid.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wade had to act fast and hit that shit while it was still warm.

Some folks would call Wade entrepreneurial.

Happy 14th Birthday, Google!

I don't know what I'd do without Google. Now, can I have a work-at-home job? SB is one damn fine editor. A ho has 46 pets to take care of, and they'd like my fat ass to stay at home and work. Help a bitch out Mountain Viewers, wouldja?

In fact, if I had a dollar (okay, ten dollars) for every time I tell some poor confused inept bastard to google something, I wouldn't have to work. I helped make you a verb, damn it!

HAPPY 14TH GOOGLE! Sarcastic Bastard wishes you GAZILLIONS more.

With love,


It's too bad the hand of God didn't help the folks on Flight 93.

This sort of thinking INFURIATES my ass. It's an insult to anybody who ever lost a loved one in an airline crash.

Animals do NOT belong on planes. If you have a pet, you have a responsibility. Stay the fuck home.

Just try and get Puppine's ass in the cargo hold. I dare you! 

Would you put one of your children in the damn cargo hold? If you would, we could be friends! E-mail me!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

For My Readers in the UK

From an obituary.

Martha's greatest joy was to see young people accept Jesus as their Savior. She was a member of Faith Bible Chapel most of her life and a member of South Christian Church in her latter days. She played the piano at church for many years and loved to sing solos and duets at church services. She also loved music and loved to shag. 

More Shit SB Says to Ms. Moon

I delete or tear up and trash my own photos, too. Or I still give out my high school graduation photo from 1984. It’s the only decent photo ever taken of me since childhood EVER.

[I actually offered one of my high school graduation photos to the Viking when he complained that he had no pictures of me, when we first started dating. Seriously, I did. I weighed about 125 in 1984. Now my fat ass is closer to 165. Fucker declined. Whatever.]

If there is a more handsome man than John Unger, I'm not sure who he'd be.

SB loves you, John! And Schoep. I love him, too! So glad he's doing better.


What Becomes an Ugly Cunt in Fur Most?


SB Pet Peeve: Bitches Who Drive Gas-Guzzling Selfish SUVs


Next time any of you selfish bitches who own SUVs pull up to a stop light, hang back a little, so the less selfish person, riding in the normal-sized car next to you, and who is trying to see around your big honking AMERICAN SELFISH SUV-DRIVING ASS, can see to safely make a damn turn.

BIG SHOUT OUT to all the kids who died over in Iraq and Afghanistan so that you assholes could continue to fill your damn swimming pool-sized gas tanks and so that you SELFISH BUNCH OF FAT FUCKS can ride in comfort.

And to the guy driving the SELFISH HUGE-ASSED SUV towards me, halfway in my lane yesterday afternoon, who had the gall to flip my ass off when I honked at you to get your SELFISH SUV DRIVING ASS out of my way, FUCK YOU, YOU PEA-BRAINED CUNT. I know it's a challenge for you to manage to stay in your own damn lane in your Suburban. CUNT.

Shit SB Writes Her Idol Ms. Moon

[on the season and battling autumnal depression] I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Almost all will to exercise has now gone. And I really NEED to be doing it. So our asses beat on, boats against the cocksucking current.


Note to Readers: And YES, my ass actually typed autumnal. Bitch was an English major! It's my damn prerogative to use some of the fancy words I learned. Fuck you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This post is for my cousin Randy Haney, who died honorably and uselessly in Afghanistan.

I guess I'll vote for one of the two goddamn assholes running for President when one of them decides to bring our troops home. At the link below, is a remembrance of SB's cousin, Randy Haney. His young family and sweet mother sacrificed a life with Randy due to a useless fucking quagmire in Afghanistan that the damn politicians are responsible for. I'd happily trade any of their useless fucking asses for Randy's life in a minute.

Note: Randy's mother opened a bakery in Troy, Ohio, that is open 7 days a week, so she'd have something to do besides be sad and grieve for her son. That's what decent people do when they are fucked over by politicians and their children are treated like so many disposable toys.

I love you, Randy. Rest in peace.

Randy joined the army after finding a lack of good paying 
jobs. . . .

Bring Our Men and Women Home from Afghanistan

Hello my name is SSG Matthew Sitton. I am in the 82nd Airborne Division stationed in Ft. Bragg, NC. I am currently deployed with the 4th Brigade Combat Team in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. I am writing you because I am concerned for the safety of my soldiers. This is my 3rd combat tour to Afghanistan so I have seen the transition in Rules of Engagement and Overall Tactics over the past 6 years.

'I am all for getting on the ground and fighting for my country when I know there is a desired endstate and we have clear guidance of what needs to be done. But when we are told basically to just walk around for a certain amount of time is not sitting well with me'

I am only writing this email because I feel myself and my soldiers are being put into unnecessary positions where harm and danger are imminent. I know the threat of casualties in war and am totally on board with sacrifice for my country, but what I don't agree with is the chain of command making us walk through, for lack of a better term, basically a mine field on a daily basis.

I am in a platoon of 25 soldiers. We are operating at a tempo that is set for a full 35-40 man infantry platoon. We have been mandated to patrol twice daily for 2-4 hours each patrol on top of guarding our FOB and conducting routine maintenance of our equipment. There is no endstate or purpose for the patrols given to us from our higher chain of command, only that we will be out for a certain time standard. I am all for getting on the ground and fighting for my country when I know there is a desired endstate and we have clear guidance of what needs to be done. But when we are told basically to just walk around for a certain amount of time is not sitting well with me.

As a Brigade, we are averaging at a minimum an amputee a day from our soldiers because we are walking around aimlessly through grape rows and compounds that are littered with explosives. Not to mention that the operation tempo that every solider is on leaves little to no time for rest and refit. The moral and alertness levels on our patrol are low and it is causing casualties left and right.

Here is an example of how bad things have gotten. Our small FOB was flooded accidentally by a local early one morning a few days ago. He was watering his fields and the damn he had broke and water came flooding into our Living Area. Since our FOB does not have any portable bathrooms, we had to dig a hole in the ground where soldiers could use the bathroom. That also got flooded and contaminated all the water that later soaked every soldier and his gear. Instead of returning to base and cleaning up, our chain of command was so set on us meeting the brigade commanders 2 patrols a day guidance that they made us move outside the flooded FOB and conduct our patrols soaked in urine.

That is just one single instance of the unsatisfactory situations that our chain of command has put us in. At least three of my soldiers have gotten sick since that incident and taken away from our combat power because of their illness caused by unhealthy conditions.

I understand that as a commander you are to follow the orders of those appointed over you however there needs to be a time where the wellness of your soldiers needs to take priority over walking around in fields for hours a day for no rhyme or reason, but only to meet the Brigade Commanders guidance of you will conduct so many patrols for such an allotted time.
I'm concerned about the well being of my soldiers and have tried to voice my opinion through the proper channels of my own chain of command only to be turned away and told that I need to stop complaining. It is my responsibility to take care of my soldiers and there is only so much I can do with that little bit of Rank I have. My guys would fight by my side and have my back in any condition and I owe it to them to have their best interest in mind. I know they would and I certainly would appreciate it if there was something that you could do to help us out. I just want to return my guys home to their families healthy. I apologize for taking your time like this Sir, and I do appreciate what you do for us. I was told to contact you by my Grand Mother (name blacked out) who said that you had helped her son (my uncle) (name blacked) out many years ago. He also was serving in the military at the time. Thank you again for allowing soldiers like me to voice their opinion. If anything Please Pray for us over hear. God Bless

Very respectfully,

SSG Matthew Sitton

Rest in peace, Matt. God bless.

Friday, September 21, 2012

HIGHLY Recommended Film: Liberal Arts

"Nobody feels like an adult. It's the world's dirty secret." 

--Professor Peter Hoberg

I watched the BEST film I have seen all year, last night. It was written and directed by a fellow Ohioan, Josh Radnor, who is a hell of a writer and an amazing actor (something about him reminds me of Johnny Depp--watch the film). A lot of the movie was actually shot in Gambier, Ohio, at Kenyon College, but don't let that stop you. I crack myself up. Actually, the campus there is pretty stunning.

The film is about a graduate of Kenyon who lives and works in New York City and returns to Kenyon upon the request of an old favorite professor (played by the fine veteran actor Richard Jenkins) for his retirement festivities. The film also includes one of my favorite young actresses, Elizabeth Olsen, as a potential love interest for Josh's character.

I have to say that I was kind of put off by the casting of Zac Efron in any damn role, quite frankly. Teen idols make a bitch dubious! But Zac had a small role as a sort of weird campus angel and was perfect in the part. In fact, the whole movie was pretty damn perfect. 

Allison Janney, not surprisingly, damn near stole the movie in a small role as a cold, disillusioned Romantic Lit professor. She has some of the best lines in the film, including: "My advice to you is this--put some armor around that gooey little heart of yours." I am pleased to say that Radnor's female characters are strong, believable, and multidimensional. It was a really refreshing change.

A Few Words for Viewers of the Film

Coming from English Lit, there is obviously a lot I found particularly amusing or touching in the film due to my educational background. However, that said, I think most of my readers will still find the movie excellent coming from any background, because it's about growing up and relating to people and how life happens to us.

The big book that is never named that the suicidal young man named Dean carries around and is referred to by Josh's character as the best book ever written, is David Foster Wallace's tome, Infinite Jest. David's famous commencement address, This Is Water, actually took place at Kenyon College. If you have not had the pleasure of reading this commencement address already, here is a link to it:

It is one of my favorite pieces of writing of all time. I carry it around with me in my head and think about it often.

Do me a favor, I am certainly no film reviewer, but if you happen to watch Liberal Arts, drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of it. I liked the film so much, I am buying a copy.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A bitch DREAMT of losing 30 pounds, but she couldn't even manage that shit.

I wish this old spooge-dress wearing ho would just go away. If she was going to peddle her sorry-assed fucking story, she should have done it years ago. America has moved on, bitch! Please do the fucking same.

The Statute of Limitations Has Expired and a Bitch Needs Money for Lodging

Hands-down winner of Best Hair in the Witness Box EVER.

Kato Kaelin testifies during the O.J. Simpson double-murder trial on March 21, 1995

Help a bitch out, is anybody looking for a permanent house guest? Kato's hair product gig didn't work out so well. If a motherfucker spills his hair secrets to me, he can stay in the multi-cat litter box room. I'm nice like that.

Shit SB Says to Herself When Driving by the Town Anorexic

Keep on walking, you old batshit bag of bones.

Compassion is my middle name, peeps!

Never Underestimate How Dumb Americans Are

 [Just remove the second m in Mormon. Yep. Pretty much.]

I walked out of the house this morning and, un-fucking-fortunately, looked over at my neighbor's place next door, and they are nice enough people, but they have a Romney for President sign in their front yard. It never fucking ceases to amaze me how dumb my countrymen are. These neighbors are a couple who don't have a lot of money, but they work hard, and have managed to raise two kids. They live in such a tiny house, I'm not even sure how the whole fucking family fits in it, quite frankly. It's THAT small. But obviously they labor under some illusion that the republicans are here to help them. Actually they labor under the illusion that the republicans care about their low-income asses AT ALL. (I just refuse to capitalize the word republican because I have so little respect for the assholes the word represents.)

I agree with John Mellencamp that the republicans are only here to help their rich friends. What in the Sam hell these middle- and lower-income families are thinking by supporting that dumb Mormon fucker, Romney, is beyond me. Probably wisely, the republicans count on the church-going morality of a lot of these families to make things like keeping God in the schools and gay people from marrying and women from deciding what to do with their own goddamn bodies as more important than getting fucked with taxes, while the rich have loopholes out their rich fat fucking asses. Also the republicans count on "morality" being more important than the fact that we have shitty public education under them and libraries which have to cut hours just to remain open.

Guess I will be voting after all. The Viking and I can at least make the neighbors' votes a mute fucking point. BUT I GET SICK AND GODDAMN TIRED OF HAVING TO VOTE JUST TO KEEP A TOTAL FUCKING DOUCHEBAG, WHO I NEVER THOUGHT HAD A CHANCE IN HELL OF ACTUALLY GETTING ELECTED, OUT OF OFFICE! Thank you neighbors. Thank you America--you bunch of dumb fucks.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Big Shout Out to Ryan Buell

I watched Ryan's show Paranormal State faithfully during it's entire run. I love Ryan for always being kind, cool, and collected, and I just want to send him a shout out and let him know that SB cares about him. If anybody can beat that bitch cancer, it's Ryan. The guy has balls of steel.

Much love to you, Ryan. You have been in my thoughts often of late.

Russell Brand Gives Some Hapless Homeless Bitch a Shirt and a Lift

The Moms and I are BIG Russell Brand fans. Clearly, Russell not only resembles the Jeez, but he also walks the walk, motherfuckers!

I think, from the look on his face in the photo above, Russell may be contemplating HOW MUCH help he actually wants to give this drug-crazed bitch. He is probably thinking, if the media weren't around, I'd throw a twenty at this bitch and just drive the fuck off. But he DIDN'T. (Actually, that's what I would be thinking.)

Credit where credit's due, peeps! The man is a saint. 

Yet MORE Evidence the Chinese Are Assholes

As if we needed more. . . .

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I posted this last year and it still goes.

As usual, I am late on this, and it probably won't have the impact it would have had if I had written this shit in September, but here goes nothing.

I feel a need to say something about this past 9/11 anniversary. I noticed something that really disturbed me about people's attitudes during that period of time. I think a lot of folks have let what happened in New York City at the Twin Towers become more about what George W. Bush and his cronies did with the opportunity afforded to them to twist things and to invade Iraq, than about the heroism of the rescue workers, and particularly the NYFD, on that awful bitch of a day.

The firemen who died that day would NOT have hesitated to save anyone who needed rescuing. Their heroism should be what this nation and the world remember and honor, NOT how that cocksucker Bush and his cronies bastardized and used the opportunity to profit from it.

I sat in a restaurant, before a football game on this past September 11th, and during the remembrance ceremony for the fallen rescue workers, watched countless people actually TALK over the ceremony. I was astounded and deeply angered. The thing is, those firemen would have rescued those same thoughtless assholes without hesitation. They didn't give two shits what a person's race or politics or income level was. They would have laid down their lives, because when other people run out of a burning building, their sheer balls and desire to help, overrides the impulse to run, and instead they go in. They do it every damn day, routinely.

Let's make 9/11 about the rescue workers who lost their lives that day, and not the shitty dirty politics of the Bush administration in the aftermath, okay?

The NYFD and other rescue workers lost that day deserve to be remembered and honored. I know I will NEVER EVER forget them. I am, and always will be, in total awe of them. I admire these men so deeply, that I regret my words here are wholly inadequate to express my feelings. They deserve something written by Lincoln or Walt Whitman. No eulogy is good enough. They were the best of us, the best of America. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

What My Teacher Told the Dads at a Parent/Teacher Conference When SB Was in Elementary School

Larry, don't worry about her. She could take over this whole school if she wanted to.

Seriously, she said that.

Shit SB Says to the Moms

I'm trying to bring back the word cunt. I feel it's under-utilized. I'll bet you and dad are really glad you shelled out for that English degree, huh?

The Iggy Pop Shirtless Timeline

At any age, I'd still nail the fucker. You betcha, as that cunt Sarah Palin would say, if anyone still cared what she had to say. And no one does.

Picture of the Damn Day: Johnny Irons Cheese!

There is fucking NO ONE I would rather watch iron cheese.

I think Iggy Pop and I are related. We have a similar delicacy of grammar.

“It’s like this: I made some fucking great-sounding music that still sounds fucking great, and—to drop my intellect and just get emotional about it—a bunch of fat fucks and pricks wouldn’t play my music anywhere where anybody could hear it, wouldn’t sell it in a part of the store where it could be bought. From the commercials, other people get to know me, and they check out the music.”

Ig's right too. He DID make some fucking great-sounding music. I listen to Iggy all the time. Fucker is like a shot of espresso in the mornings. He and Morrissey and Lou Reed are gods to me. 


Pet Fucking Peeve: Family Stickers on the Backs of Vehicles

I'd get the stickers if I could add the abortions I've had to the back of my own vehicle. Just kidding--I've had none. That I know about. But I think it SHOULD be an option for those who want to be more REAL. Say manufacturers, can we get a squishy bloody blob abortion sticker, please?

Give me all the shit you want, right-to-lifers, a bitch is pro-choice! In my opinion, a man shouldn't even have a vote on abortion rights. If you don't have the fucking equipment, your ass doesn't get a fucking vote. Piss off.

MEAN Shit SB Writes to Her Hero, Ms. Moon

One of my really kind of gross-fat co-workers was discussing reading the soft porno Shades of Gray book with another co-worker, who is pretty hot. I’ll bet he could have fucking puked. She said to him: If you weren’t horny before you started reading, you will be after. Yuck. I don’t need that mental fucking picture this early. She’s a really BIG girl, with a rumply butt. I like to think she NEVER EVER gets naked, let alone contemplates the sex act. I can hardly stand to see her fat ass clothed.

Hey, if I have to suffer BEFORE breakfast, so do you motherfuckers! Actually, the co-worker's butt is WAY WORSE than this. I haven't seen that shit naked, of course. Thank fucking Jesus for small favors.

Big SHOUT OUT to Google and

Good old Amazon. I couldn’t survive without or Google. It would not be a world I want to live in.

[Okay, I realize that totally goes against what I posted before, but I'm a damn artist. A bitch is ALLOWED to contradict herself. I have that license, motherfuckers.]

Thursday, September 6, 2012

How to be a Revolutionary

There is only one revolutionary way to live now. That is to move away from technology. 

[Yeah, I get the irony that I am typing this on a computer, motherfuckers.]

Quote of the Damn Day: Wendell Berry

No matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in some small part of it. Where we live and who we live there with define the terms of our relationship to the world and to humanity. We thus come again to the paradox that one can become whole only by the responsible acceptance of one's partiality. 

--Wendell Berry of Port Royal, Kentucky

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

#50 Tonto is fucking whitey and revenge is SWEET

A bitch has decided she needs to share some life observations. We're starting at number 50, motherfuckers! COUNT 'EM DOWN. I figured I'd do it in small doses--one thing at a time, rather than a long list--since my readers generally have the attention span of retarded gerbils. And so do I! I was raised Methodist, I can't help it.

So here we go. . . .

#50 Tonto is fucking whitey WITH LOAN INTEREST RATES!

The white man fucked the Native American, and now Tonto is having his revenge. Look at the interest rates on this bitch.

Yeah, I'll have that paid off by about the year 2090.

[And do NOT give me any crap about being racist. My great grandmother was full-blooded Ojibwa. Besides, it's my blog. I'll say whatever the fuck I want.]